At Peace

This morning I received the call that I knew was coming--my Dad passed away earlier in the morning. While not a surprise, the loss is still a shock--knowing that I'll never pick up the phone to a "Hey Hannie" again is hard to wrap my head around. I am relieved that he isn't suffering and that he's at peace. We will have a service for him later on this spring at Munsungan. I greatly appreciate everyone's love and support through all of this--it's what has kept me going.

Hannah

Good Byes

My sister and I arrived back in Florida on Tuesday. My Dad is still hanging on--we don't know how, though his best friend (who arrived on Monday night) said it was he was a "pain in the ass" who didn't want to "capitulate"--think Ed summed up Dad pretty well. He's stubborn and won't let go just yet. The hospice staff have been tremendous--what a service and blessing hospice is, we could not have gotten through this without them. Alix and I said our good-byes on Monday night, which was a surreal experience. A kiss on his forward and "I Love You" and we walked out. While I'm sad about the whole situation, I was ok with leaving as he's not the dad I know and we left him in good hands with several of his friends and our Aunt. While I hate to see him go, I don't want to see him like this--I hope he finds peace very soon.

I returned to Florida to learn that one of my favorite people, Dr. Burl Long, had passed away. While not a surprise, still a blow. It doesn't quite seem possible that I'll lose my father and Dr. Long at the same time. I keep thinking that there's a reason for everything and at some point I'll understand why this is all occuring. I was not at all in the holiday spirit until Ray Royce (WLI Class VII) reminded me that during this Christmas I should celebrate the wonderful gifts that I've received from both my Dad and Dr. Long--a great reminder of the season and what we learn from those people who have had an impact on our lives.

I'm finding my balance back in Florida. It was an intense week in Maine and it's good to be home at the ranch with my critters. It's given me some perspective and the ability to take some deep breaths and take in all that has happened.

I hope that you all have a wonderful holiday season--spending time with your loved ones and remembering all the incredible gifts that you've received from the special people in your life. Here's hoping for a better and brigher 2012!

Love,

Hannah

Hospice

Woke up this morning to temperatures around -2. I forgot what this kind of cold feels like.

Yesterday was a good day--my Dad said his best in weeks! I am so appreciative of hospice and the fact that he's comfortable and he's resting. He has a nice, large room with about three easy chairs--so Alix and I are pretty comfortable too! The staff is wonderful--even when my Dad isn't at his most charming, for those that know him he hasn't lost his "Jimness"!

Alix and I were able to sleep the last two nights knowing that he's well taken care of and we're grateful to the people here that made this plan come together. I forget what it's like to live in a small town--everyone knows everyone--which, in a situation like this, is amazing! Yesterday, the door to Dad's room was like a revolving door of visitors--it was so nice to meet people and then hug very old friends! One of the perks of being there is that people seem more likely to visit and I expect that we'll see more people today.

Thank you all for your continued support--it truly is what keeps us propped up!

Love,

Hannah

Today's adventure

Woke up with Dad around 3:30 a.m. He doesn't sleep well and just can't get comfortable. This morning we begin the next phase of his illness--hospice. The hospice nurses will be here soon and while I do not want to rush the process of him dying, I certainly don't want him to die like this--in pain and suffering. We're hoping that they can make him comfortable and that he can just fall asleep.

Tomorrow we will move him into the nursing home that also has a hospice bed. In rural northern Maine, we're not fortunate to have the hospice facilities like other bigger cities. We want him comfortable and safe and this is the best option we can think of as we cannot stay here for the next few weeks. I have such a respect for nurses, social workers and care givers as caring for him these past few days has been one of the hardest things I've done. Dying is not for the faint of heart--either for the person or for the people around them.

While my sister and I are pretty much giving up on Christmas this year--when daybreak came this morning, it certainly looked like winter outside. The picture does not do the scene out the window justice--we're getting a pretty decent snowfall outside.

We appreciate your continued prayers and support.

Hannah

Back in Maine

Alix and I returned to Maine this afternoon. It was a good flying day, we actually got in a little early to Bangor and then made the three hour trip north to Washburn. Walking out the door of the airport was a little shocking as the cold air hit us in the face. The trip north was pretty as the scenery changed. Unfortunately, Mt. Katahdin was hidden by low clouds, but we did see two bald eagles on the way. There is snow on the ground, not a lot, but that will change on Thursday as the forecast is calling for 100% precipitation. We were also a bit dismayed as it was dark by 4:30 p.m. This has felt like a very long day.

Our Dad was happy to see us. He has definitely failed since we last saw him in October. Today is the first day that he has said out loud that he will not be doing any more chemotherapy, as he states "he's going to let nature take it's course". We aren't surprised at this as we knew that the chemo was really making him miserable. Part of our reason for coming now was not only to spend some time with him, but to figure out what the next steps will be. I can't say that any of us know and I wish that we had some idea, we're hoping just to make the best decisions we can and just keep taking each day as they come. Neither one of us are in the holiday spirit at all, it's hard to think about Christmas with this going on.

I will update this blog when I'm able. I appreciate greatly the prayers and thoughts that have been directed to all of us--they continue to help a great deal!